What is sexological bodywork? Part III
Part III: The role of touch
Welcome to Part III of the series about somatic sex coaching and sexological bodywork. In part I, we introduced the modalities as holding liberatory potential for queer and trans folks; supporting us in (re)connecting and (re)claiming our bodies as well as (re)learning about sex, pleasure and intimacy. In part II, we looked more specifically at the difference between somatic sex coaching and sexological bodywork. In this post, we are exploring the role of touch in sexological bodywork.
Touch changes us
Our relationship with touch is often quite complex and deeply interwoven with the many things that shape us. It is connected with the cultures and experiences that shape us as well as to our relationship with particular parts of our body and with the different ways sensory processing occurs. Physical contact, touch, and skin to skin contact throughout our lives are essential for human health and wellness. It is also frequently a source of discomfort, harm or trauma. Not getting the touch we need or want in the way we want and experiences of unwanted touch are two examples of this.
The book, Touch is Really Strange by Steve Haines, offers a useful look at some of the more recent research on touch. Touch can create an instant change in our physiological state including our nervous system which directly impacts how we see and feel about ourselves and the world around us. It can support a sense of safety or the opposite. It can create opportunities or close them down. Consider the last time you received a really pleasurable touch, or perhaps a fun tickle. Do you remember what happened in your body, the way you felt and what you did as a result? Your posture, emotions, hormone levels and mood were all likely to be impacted.
Beyond a present moment change in state, touch directly relates to our sense of self. Action, touch and embodiment shape our earliest sense of self. This occurs before we even have words. It also offers a gateway to update our sense of self in the present moment. According to Haines, touch “helps us meet our wordless places, helps us reframe… can help us feel safe, alive and real again… It has the potential to turn down the volume on pain, trauma and anxiety… and can be a lever to enhance our sense of self… it can shift our emotional core and release us to feel alive and connected”.
Touch as a force for good
According to research, presence, intention and safety are keys to touch being a force for good. We need to be present to ourselves as well as to the other and we need to touch with the intention of connection to the whole person. In other words, it is not a touch intent on fixing or changing or doing to or getting something from the other person. It is touch open to being with the whole human, all that shapes them, the stories they hold, and the purpose they have with goodwill. Steve Haines suggests that “Safe, relational touch that meets a whole person can be transformational”. I believe that, sexological bodywork can be about this kind of touch.
“Safe, relational touch that meets a whole person can be transformational”
Touch within sexological bodywork
Sexological bodywork is not about fixing nor is it about the sexological bodyworker deciding on behalf of the client to do something to them. The sexological bodyworker is present for the client and in service of the client and their intention. They support the client in slowing down and being in touch with their own body, their intention and their yes and their no (embodied consent). From this place, the client may choose to explore or practice something for their own benefit and ask the sexological bodyworker to be in service of this intention. This extends to the use of touch.
This foundational work in embodied consent and an overall trauma-informed approach help to create an environment of safety. To further support safety in touch, the touch offered is only performed at the request of the client and it is one-way (practitioner touching client at the request of the client) especially if the touch involves genital, anal or erotic touch. Prior to the touch, the client and the bodyworker will agree upon the length of time, the type of touch and what body parts may or may not be included in the touch. At any point during touch or any practice within sexological bodywork, the client can pause, stop or alter the activity.
When might you want touch in sexological bodywork?
To make all this a bit more concrete, here’s a few examples of ways touch in sexological bodywork can support us:
Touch can be a critical tool in updating our sense of self and our relationship with our body. Having an experience of receiving only the touch that’s wanted and asked for - no more and no less - has deep healing potential.
Touch can help us get to know our body and update the mental maps of our body as it is in this moment. For example, if you are exploring pleasure, it’s not about what brought you pleasure in the past. It’s about connecting to the body now and discovering what is happening now. What’s numb? What’s pleasurable? This can be incredibly useful when navigating changes in the body - for instance, those related to gender transitions, age, stress, illness, or trauma.
Touch helps us learn and practice new skills. For example, identifying what we want and asking for it, developing ejaculatory choice, working with mindfucks, regulating our nervous system, setting boundaries while remaining in connection.
Touch can support greater ease by releasing stored stress and trauma from the body through de-armouring or increasing tissue elasticity through scar tissue remediation.
Touch allows us to receive guided support when working with states of pleasure, arousal, orgasm, triggers and more. We can practice presence and choice.
From this list, you might begin to imagine different intentions that you might have when working with a sexological bodyworker and how touch might support you as you lean into those intentions.
Stay tuned for the next post in the series.
Further reading