4 Tips for handling sexual desire differences in queer polyamorous relationships

Jun 26

Polyamory offers a potentially liberating approach to queer relationships and sex. Freedom to craft the fulfilling intimate and sexual (if desired) relationships we long for while avoiding mindlessly adopting the cis-heteronormative ways of doing relationship. In preparing for my participation as one of the 12 guests at the recent Poly and Sex summit hosted by Elizabeth Ann Cunningham, I asked Queer Somatics' polyamorous followers on Instagram about difficulties they were facing around sex and polyamory. Desire differences was one of the common answers. It reflects what I see in my practice as a sexological bodyworker and sex coach and it confirmed for me that I had chosen a relevant topic to speak about.

I’ve continued to think about the topic since the summit and decided I’d put some of my thoughts into a blog post. In this post, I’ll share a few tips for navigating these differences in ways that expand possibility, pleasure and intimacy rather than shut it down.

Communicate about it

Fluctuations in sexual desire and differences in desire are a natural part of any intimate relationship over time. It is common for partners to have varying levels of desire at different times. Some versions of monogamy, expect that partners should just push through even if they don’t feel like it or that the relationship is over if desire doesn’t seem to be “working” anymore. Rather than expect one person to meet every possible intimacy desire, polyamory opens possibilities for sharing various kinds of intimacy with multiple people. When desire differences occur, it’s time to communicate openly. Possibly, it’s time to explore ways of engaging with desires that involve other partners or maybe there’s possibilities that haven’t yet been explored with this partner… or maybe both.

If intimacy and sexual pleasure are something that both partners would like to and are willing to deepen, communication will be needed. Approach each other non-judgmentally to create a space together where each person can express their desires, concerns, and boundaries without fear of shame or blame. Kind, open and honest communication will support in building connection while navigating differences and crafting the desired relationship.

Get to know and celebrate the diversity of desire

Desire manifests differently for each person. Some experience no desire. Others experience spontaneous desire, where sexual desire often seems to arise naturally and effortlessly. Others have responsive desire, where desire emerges in response to external or internal stimuli. Desire shifts as our bodies change and in response to what is happening in our lives. Further as queer folk and trans folks there’s an extra awareness of how desire relates to expressions of our identities, transitions, who we are attracted to and what we might be looking for in a given sexual encounter. Getting to know, honoring and celebrating these differences in ourselves and our partners is an important part of creating intimate relationships where each partner can be welcomed with their whole self.

Queer expressions of intimacy and sex

There’s often a higher value placed on specific forms of intimacy and pleasure. Many heteronormative as well as gay narratives center a penetrative act as the pinnacle of intimacy. Sex is portrayed as a sort of escalation of activities all of which lead to the “main act” which is supposed to result in orgasms. What if instead of an escalation, we see an intimacy buffet that includes a wide variety of possibilities including but not limited to sexual acts. Where many types of sexual activities with our without orgasm are equally valuable. Where non-sexual intimacy is valued. Cuddling, emotional connection, oral sex, laying next to a partner masturbating, non-sexual touch, kissing, hugging, shared experiences, a deep conversation, learning to use rope, taking a walk, holding hands, celebrating your partner going on dates, gifting your partner with alone time… A whole spectrum of possibilities to draw from as you create moments of intimacy and pleasure.

Not to mention, sex is often about more than “just sex”. It can be about touch, connection, pleasure, release, feeling close, feeling desired, being seen, having fun and so much more. The more we understand what we really do or don’t want through sex, the more we can create pleasurable intimate encounters with our partners. Sometimes, “I want sex”, might actually mean, I’d like to feel close to you right now. Other times, “I don’t want sex”, might actually mean I don’t want to have a particular kind of sexual encounter right now. Intimacy is multifaceted, and horizontalizing the value of all the ways of being intimate physically and beyond can deepen the connection within your polyamorous relationships and paradoxically shift desire discrepancies.

Connect to the body

All of this brings us to the body. External expectations, societal narratives, past experiences of trauma and our own mind fucks can separate us from knowing what it is that we actually want and being able to communicate it. We live in systems that attempt to rob us of bodily autonomy and teach us to mistrust our body. Experiences of dysphoria, chronic illness and trauma can teach us that our body isn’t a safe place and not to be trusted.

Crafting the authentic and satisfying queer polyamorous intimate relationships we want and reclaiming our bodily autonomy and agency go hand in hand. This involves slowing down and listening. It involves exploring. What touches, sounds, smells, sights, and motions bring your body pleasure? What does your “fuck yes” feel like? What does your “hell no” feel like? As we recognize the signs of yes, no, and how to access pleasure, we discover wisdom that is longing to be integrated in our intimate lives. This is a practice of approaching the body kindly, trusting it to communicate with us and valuing what we hear enough that we act on it.

One useful practice I like to recommend to clients is to regularly make space and time for Conscious Self-massage, my adaptation of Betty Martin’s Bossy Massage. If you find it difficult to communicate what you want to someone else, it can be good to practice saying out loud the kind of touch your body is wanting and where.

Conclusion

Navigating sexual desire differences is a commonly faced challenge in relationships including queer polyamorous relationships. The tips and ideas presented in this post are useful for navigating these differences as you look to craft the queer polyamorous relationships and intimacy you want. If you’d like practical support or to learn how sexological bodywork and sex coaching could help you in navigating desire differences, connecting to your body, desires and boundaries and communicating about it, feel free to book a discovery call.

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